so many things

I'm in a shitty place.

Maybe it's because I don't get SHIT for sleep anymore because of Owen, maybe it's because the anti-depressent I'm on is for shit, maybe it's because I'm just effing stressed about this trip, maybe it's because my house is trashed from having no time to clean because I'm working full time, maybe it's because of school as I'm nearing the end of the semester and my final exam week is the same week that we're going to be in Disney.

Maybe it's one of these things, maybe it's all of these things. I don't care why, I care that I'm in this place and I want the fuck out. You know what else? I miss my mom. It's going to be 5 years that she's been gone and I miss her. I want to touch her again, I want her to see my kids, I want to call her and talk to her, I want to ask her if I never needed sleep as a toddler like this kid I have, I want to spend the holidays with her. I miss her. I miss her so much. 5 years doesn't mean shit, it still feels like yesterday.

I have two sick kids. I think it's ironic that I have two sick kids that I'm on the verge of losing it with and this is what I want to do when I graduate from nursing school, work with pediatrics and neonates. Irony at it's best 'eh?

I think I'm working too much. I enjoy the paychecks though so I keep doing it. Nothing is getting done around here. Honestly, it's ridiculous and it's bringing me down. It's not that A isn't doing anything around here, he does a lot. I just can't seem to catch up though. After working 12 hours and getting home at 745pm, having to bathe two hyper boys and struggle to get them to bed by 830pm, the last thing I feel like doing is homework and cleaning this house. My schedule is so effed next week. I work 5 -12 hour shifts in a 6 day period. Holy shit. Why do I do this to myself? Oh I remember now, I'm going on a trip where the freakin' gas will cost more than the actual trip itself.

Bah.