H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!

Go here and LYAO. I'm especially LMFAO over the baby names. Make sure to mouse over the items. That's where the funny is!

Conversations with a 1st grader part 125

Flying Monkey Uno: That car has a McCain/Palin sticker on it.

Me: Yes it does. Do you know who McCain/Palin are?

Flying Monkey Uno: yes, it's the guy who wants to be president and lady who wants to be Mrs. president.

Me: It's actually vice president but you're right. Do you know who Obama/Biden are?

Flying Monkey Uno: Yes, he's the other guy that wants to be president. Joey from the bus says we can't afford Obama to be president. He says that Obama takes babies and throws them in the garbage.



Me: Uh, Obama doesn't throw babies in the garbage. Joey's only repeating what his ignorant parents have said in front of him.

Flying Monkey Uno: What does ignorant mean?

Me: It means "stupid".

Flying Monkey Uno: but we're not supposed to say stupid Mom.

Me: I know Monkey, that's why I said ignorant.

Flying Monkey Uno: Can I say ignorant?

Me: only if it's to Joey.

1-2-3 PURGE!

I got this idea from Ashley and I LOVE it!

The 27-fling boogie!

"Take a garbage bag and walk through your home and throw away 27 items. Do not stop until you have collected all 27 items. Then close the garbage bag and pitch it. DO NOT LOOK IN IT!!! Just do it.

Next, take an empty box and go through your home collecting 27 items to give away. Suze Orman taught me this in her book, The Courage to be Rich. This will change the energy in your home and bring about good feelings. Every time I do this I feel better and my home is becoming decluttered in the process. As soon as you finish filling the box, take it to the car. You are less tempted to rescue the items.Rule of thumb: if you have two of any item and you only need one, get rid of the least desirable."

Thanks Ashley! I shall be putting this to good use this evening!

A big bowl of nasty with a gag me spoon

Oh god I have the grossest job sometimes.

I went into this patients room to give her a breathing treatment and she was FREAKING out about a colonoscopy that she was going to have later that morning. I said not to worry because the prep is waaaaaay worse than the actual procedure and they give you good drugs to make you not care that someone has a reallllly looooong scope up your butt. She proceeds to almost start crying (she's got a psych history) and saying, "what if I don't wake up? What if I stop breathing?" I said you don't have anything to worry about so stop stressing out about it and take your damn treatment so I can get outta this psycho ass room! (Ok so I didn't say that but I wanted to).

Anywho, she proceeds to tell me that she had red jello last night and look what happened.....(you know how things happen in slow motion? Like you KNOW what's gonna happen but you can't react with your body fast enough? Yah, that's what is about to happen to me) she proceeds to grab a washcloth that was on her tray table and open it up to show me some red stained shit. I'm not fucking kidding. Not.fucking.kidding. Then, if that wasn't bad enough, she kept sticking her fingers all over it saying "Look! Look!" and turning it over to where there was more red stained shit. Here's where my body/brain reaction failed me. She then grabbed my arm with the same god damn shitty hand to say, "Do you think that's blood?" I yelled it's "jello stained poo" as I was running, R-U-N-N-I-N-G to the bathroom to scald my arm with the hottest water I could muster up. I then ran to the bleach wipes and scrubbed my entire forearm down. I swear to Bob I almost fucking puked. I've got a pretty strong stomach from working in a hospital so long but O...M....G.

I don't get paid enough. Not nearly enough. Sweet Baby Jesus.

Calling all psychics!

Bob Saget!!! I bought theater tickets for DH's birthday like 2 months ago and I can't remember where I put them. Holy shit, I hope I didn't throw 'em out.

Calling all BabyCenter Bargain Board psychics! Help!

Put a fork in me 'cuz I'm done

Flying Monkey Part Duex is really pushing me to the limit on my anti-depressant usage. Every G.D. thing I tell/ask him is met with resistance. Sometimes outright obstinateness. I'm so G.D. tired of yelling at this kid to do anything. I've asked nicely, I've threatened, I've yelled, I've encouraged him, helped him, blah, blah, blah....I'm fucking done. Seriously. End.of.my.rope.done. As I sat here last night almost in tears from dealing with him all G.D. day and him pushing the limits right up to bedtime, I thought, "He's only 4!! What in the fuck am I gonna do when he's like 10, 14, 17????" This kids whole childhood will be remembered as one filled with his parents yelling at him all. the.time. Who the fuck wants that?

Sigh...I'm not sure what to do. Nothing means anything to this kid. He has no Achilles heel to strike when I need some leverage to get him to do something. I've decided to remove toys from his possession/the house when he refuses to clean up after being asked, but fuck if I'm gonna throw the shit out after spending an arm and a leg on on his fucking toys. Maybe put 'em in the trunk for a month or so. I don't know. We have a naughty corner. He'd sit there all day if he had to. He doesn't care. One time he actually fell asleep there. WTF.

There are times when I look at him and I tear up thinking I love him so much and there are other times where I swear I could drop him off in Nebraska and not look back. I think I'm gonna try giving him like 2 choices when I ask him to do something. Both choices will get the job done but it may make him feel like he's in control when he's not. Something like this: "Monkey, would you like to brush your teeth now or in 5 minutes?" "Would you like to clean up your toys now or in 5 minutes?" You get the picture. We use the term "5 minutes" here all the time. It's the best kept parenting secret out there.

A Quandry

I started working when I was 14 years old. I was the Santa and Easter bunny helper at the local mall. I did this for years. I also worked at a handful of stores in the mall for years as well. What I never did was work fast food.

Maybe the job is really, really, really difficult. Maybe it's really, really, really mentally challenging. Maybe it's really, really, really hard to look at a fucking screen to read what the customers order is. Maybe it's just that you really, really, really need to make sure you know how to read...well. Maybe it's just that you really, really, really need to have good hearing to hear the customers fucking order. Maybe it's just that you really, really, really need to give two fucking shits about your job to get the customers order right.

Maybe it's all of these, maybe it's none of them. Maybe I'll never know why the fast food joint near my house fucks up my order EVERY.FUCKING.TIME. I'd like to say that maybe I'll stop going there but that would be a lie because not matter how pissed off I get, I'm a lazy bitch and convenience wins out about 95% of the time.

Maybe I should concentrate my efforts on praying that these fucktards don't grow up to be surgeons, judges, or financial planners.

I'd be sooo famous....and rich....and snot free.

Remember the American Inventor reality TV show? Yah, too bad it isn't on anymore. I have an invention that would rock the house.



How many of us have had some serious sinus issues so much so that we sat on the couch with a head that weighed 123 lbs. and a Puffs Plus tissue rammed up a nostril trying to stop the flow of snot from running out of your nose and all over your GAP sweatshirt?

I have the solution.

It's called The Snot Sopper-Upper. It's made from a special material that when it comes in contact with something liquid, it SUCKS it up faster than you can say "god bless you!". You take the Snot Sopper-Upper and ram it up one nostril. The material wicks alllllll the snot outta your sinus cavity and Viola! You're totally clear in one nostril! Repeat on other side and you'll be naming your next born after me. It's machine washable and comes in 3 fashion colors.
See me this friday night on QVC.

My newest OBSESSION

and it isn't perfume or designer purses. I've just spend the last 2 hours playing here . Holy cow this is fun. I just might get them printed and actually do a book for each of the Flying Monkeys! I'm doing Halloween themed pages starting with Flying Monkey Uno from his 1st all the way through Flying Monkey part deux last year. How fun it is to walk through memory lane and think what cute ass Flying Monkey's I have! Here is a sample:

Raising the bullshit flag

As if.....

Rant ON!

You know what really steams my broccoli lately? The fact that these gouging stations (formerly know as gas stations) are now charging MORE for the use of debit/credit cards. WTF. That is such bullshit. The average markup is like .10/gallon between the cash price and credit price. When you're filling a Ford F150 super crew 4x4, that .10/gallon makes a difference. This really pisses me off. I only buy my gas at Costco because they're by far the cheaper gouge around and they ONLY take my debit card.

Next.....

I'm so effing tired of people coughing and not covering their mouth. I'm equally effing tired of people coughing in my effing face all the while NOT covering their mouth. Yah, I know it's a hazard of the job but what the fuck. Unless you've just lost your arms to some freak accident or you're too weak to lift them (this only applies to the 98 year olds I routinely treat who are basically DIB (dead in bed) there is NO excuse as to why you cannot cover when you cough. This goes for my MIL who's one of the BIGGEST offenders.

Next.....

Old lady perfume. Seriously MeMaw, lay off the Windsong. I have asthma and the bath you took in that perfume is literally causing my airways to seize. This is one of the single handed reasons that I hold my breath whenever I walk by someone. I have this "thing" with smelling people. It's a rarity that I get lucky and smell some Angel, Eternity, Light Blue or Burberry on someone. No... I get the B.O, rotten crotch, ashtray man, mold and mildew lady or that MeMaw with Windsong. I shudder whenever I'm stuck in an elevator with people. Ugggh, you can't help but smell each other! Ever since I quit smoking, I've had vampire like olfactory senses. It's ridiculous.

Next.....

My gallbladder. It needs to come out. I know too much, I just can't do it. I'm not sure at what point I'll be forced into doing something. This is so not good and I'm tired of feeling like I'm gonna puke after I eat anything. Why the fuck am I not losing weight?? Grrr.

I'm tired. Rant off.

Quick! Look! It's a Flying Monkey!

We just got Flying Monkey Uno school pic's back today. My sweet Monkey. They grow so fast.

An Open letter to Walmart

To whom it may concern,

Just a note to let you know that I think your store is shit. Despite the fact that you spent in excess of a million dollars building a new store down the street from the nasty ass ghetto store that I boycotted on more than one occasion, you still have a shit store albeit a new one.

Your cashiers are DUMB and have nasty dispositions. Just a suggestion but when the customer brings a bag with them to the store, it's meant for the groceries that she's buying to go IN the fucking bag, not in a plastic bag to be handed to the customer to put into the recyclable bag. What is the point of the customer bringing the bag in the 1st place?

Your produce is shit as well. I see why you have such LOW prices. It's pretty obvious that you buy the rotten produce that's left over at the end of the trading day from the produce middle man and pass along the shit to the customer. But hey, you do offer the best prices on black banana's that I've seen around. Kudo's to you for that.

Eat someone else's baby Walmart. I'm going back to Super Target even though they're more expensive, the help there is actually thankful to have jobs and it reflects in their attitudes.

Sincerely,
One Pissed Off Witch.

Let the hate mail begin

I just dropped off Flying Monkey part deux with his snotty nose and congested cough at school. Ask him how he is and he'll tell you that he doesn't feel good and he's "sick". Ask me and I'll tell you that it's just a little cough and allergies. Did I mention that it's picture day? I hope they can photoshop the dark circles out from under his eyes. That shit cost me $2.00 extra.

Things you never knew you could live without

~Thudguard grooming Wee-Tards since 2001.


Seriously, why would you do this to your precious one? It's one thing if the kid has a jacked up head due to sleeping on it's back but it's totally another to take a perfectly good kid and Wee-tard 'em out. Head injury, smed injury. Flying Monkey part duex has been struck so many times in the noggin it isn't even funny. He's still normal AND would still fetch a decent price on Ebay. White male babies are in demand even at 4 years old. Look at this disclaimer: Adults know when a helmet makes them too hot but a child DOES NOT! - Please check every 5 minutes for overheating. If I was going to check my kid every 5 minutes, why the hell would I need this Wee-tarded helmet?

Anywho...do your kid a favor and don't subject them to early ass-kickings at MOPS play dates, forgo the helmet, get off the internet and watch your damn kid.
There...problem solved.





~Now I'm a convenience whore just like the next guy and I think I have every color of backpack hanging Purell mini hand sanitizer that they make, but even I wouldn't waste money on these here Boogie Wipes.

At $3.99 for 30 wipes, every swipe of your kids snotty nose costs you .13. You can swipe your nose on your shirt for free. OH and they come in grape scent too.
Can't you see it? Wrestling with your kid to wipe it's nose all the time yelling "...but you can smell grape Timmy! Hold still and smell the god damn grapes!!!!!!"

Save your money and buy 100% cotton shirts. They're pretty soft on the nose.




~If you buy this dress


I'll personally come to your house and punch you in the face. I'd rather see Precious in the Wee-Tard helmet rather than this hot mess.


That's it for now homies...peace out!

Bitty mummy

Bawhahahahaha!

OH-Mah-Gawd

Warning this link contains nude men. Yes, get there as fast as you can.

Go to this link, scroll down about 1/2 way and see why Warren Cuccurullo of Duran Duran has LOTS to sing about. You know you wanna click it, just do it.

It's official

We have a trailer.

Went to the show last evening with the intention of buying a trailer that I found online. Turns out, we found like 4 that we liked which was surprising as we spent HOURS at a large dealer a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find one we liked. DH stumbled on this one just as we were going to talk to someone about another. What I LOVE is all the storage. Good God, the storage. I couldn't be happier. I could use more counter space but honestly, all the travel trailers we looked at have the same kitchen set up so I'm OK with sacrificing counter space for storage. There's room for my coffee maker so I'm all set. We are getting the plum color. The pictures I'm posting are not all plum, but you get a good idea of the layout. I also love the fact that you can access the bathroom from the outside. It gives the bathroom soooo much more room. The Flying Monkey's have a room that has a lot of room for all their crap and it came with a FREE 19in. flat screen TV for that room as well. The bottom couch/bed is nice because now the boys can watch some DVD's when the weather sucks during camping trips. Love it.

You can all thank me for doing something to stimulate the economy.