Ahhhh New Years Eve. Another year gone and a fresh new start just over the horizon. Every year, like thousands of others, I make resolutions that I break sometimes only 48 hours later. I feel like I have a obligation to make them. I didn't make any last year, but this year, this year is a big year for me. I turn 40 this year. I've decided to take a hard look at everything in my life, re-evaluate things and prioritize for the new year. I'm actually looking forward to this daunting task. I'm excited to think that this reflection may take me in a whole new direction. Maybe some great uncharted territory that will finally answer some questions that I've had for a couple of years now. I've already decided that right now is not the time for me to be pursuing a nursing degree. I've pondered this for a while now and I'm at peace with my decision. Maybe things will be different in the future but for the here and now, I have some other issues that need my focus and attention. My husband asked me, "Will you pursue management in your field then?" I said that I was happy in my profession and that any changes, goals and growth will occur in my personal life, not professional.
Here is one resolution that I intend to focus on 1st: I WILL find a church that fits the needs of my family and start regularly attending.
One down, many to go!
Happy New Year!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
What about what I want?
Last wishes. Is there anything more important that this? Really. You can't take anything in life with you when you go so all you really have in life are your last wishes. I can't tell you how much emphasis I put on those. I feel that it's one of the most honorable things you can do for a person, carrying out their last wish, albiet it reasonable of course.
So I'm at work the other night. A patient comes in via ambulance after falling. The patient is older and the fall caused injury and a bleed in the patients brain. The patient was alert and orientated to person, place and thing and holding a conversation with the staff and family who was also present. The patient also had very bad lung disease, but that wasn't the reason for the ER visit. It came up that the patient told the nurse, "I do not want one of those tubes put down my throat and be on a machine if something should happen." The nurse, "Ok". The patient, "I'm telling you, I DO NOT WANT A BREATHING TUBE." The nurse, "I understand." Not 1/2 hr. later the patient becomes unresponsive. The family is present and tells the Dr. to put the breathing tube in because the patient couldn't protect their own airway. The Dr. says, "Are you sure?" Nurse says, "I just had this conversation with your loved one and they specifically said "NO breathing tube". The family says, "We don't want our loved one to die, put the tube in."
Sigh. We put the tube in.
I understand that NO ONE is ready for a loved one to leave us. I'm not even really convinced that this patient was gonna die if we didn't intubate them but their condition did change. Honestly, no one knows better than me about loss. I promised my Mom that I'd not let anyone intubate her and put her on a ventilator and I was there when my Aunt made the decision to remove my Nan from life support and she passed away with all of us holding her hand. I understand pain, I understand that no one is ever ready to let someone they love go but what about what they want? See it's not about us at that moment. It's about them. If they're of sound mind and know what they want, how do you not honor it? It angers me, it really does. You can tell someone something until you're blue in the face, sign all the papers you want spelling out what you want and don't want and all that has to happen is one stinkin' person to yell "wait!" and all your last wishes fly out the window....just like that. It's not right.
So tell your people. Tell them often and find someone who'll stand strong and carry out what you want. It's all about you. Make sure they understand that.
So I'm at work the other night. A patient comes in via ambulance after falling. The patient is older and the fall caused injury and a bleed in the patients brain. The patient was alert and orientated to person, place and thing and holding a conversation with the staff and family who was also present. The patient also had very bad lung disease, but that wasn't the reason for the ER visit. It came up that the patient told the nurse, "I do not want one of those tubes put down my throat and be on a machine if something should happen." The nurse, "Ok". The patient, "I'm telling you, I DO NOT WANT A BREATHING TUBE." The nurse, "I understand." Not 1/2 hr. later the patient becomes unresponsive. The family is present and tells the Dr. to put the breathing tube in because the patient couldn't protect their own airway. The Dr. says, "Are you sure?" Nurse says, "I just had this conversation with your loved one and they specifically said "NO breathing tube". The family says, "We don't want our loved one to die, put the tube in."
Sigh. We put the tube in.
I understand that NO ONE is ready for a loved one to leave us. I'm not even really convinced that this patient was gonna die if we didn't intubate them but their condition did change. Honestly, no one knows better than me about loss. I promised my Mom that I'd not let anyone intubate her and put her on a ventilator and I was there when my Aunt made the decision to remove my Nan from life support and she passed away with all of us holding her hand. I understand pain, I understand that no one is ever ready to let someone they love go but what about what they want? See it's not about us at that moment. It's about them. If they're of sound mind and know what they want, how do you not honor it? It angers me, it really does. You can tell someone something until you're blue in the face, sign all the papers you want spelling out what you want and don't want and all that has to happen is one stinkin' person to yell "wait!" and all your last wishes fly out the window....just like that. It's not right.
So tell your people. Tell them often and find someone who'll stand strong and carry out what you want. It's all about you. Make sure they understand that.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas!
I love Christmas, I always have. What makes it even more special is watching my kids faces when they see their gifts under the tree that Santa brought. I remember getting up sooo early when I was younger and just peeking at the windfall that landed under our tree courtesy of The Big Guy. I remember just being beside myself with excitement at the thought of what might be in those gifts. Now, many years later, I still get excited see everything placed just so and the thought of my kids reaction. I'm also very thankful that we have jobs to buy those gifts and two healthy children to give those gifts to. I'm thankful for so many things this year.
I hope your Christmas is just as beautiful as mine.
I hope your Christmas is just as beautiful as mine.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Thankful
Why is it the two most remembered dates in someone's life is their birth and their death? There are sooo many more memorable dates in someone's life than their birth and death. So much more to celebrate but those dates get pushed away when death comes around.
My Mom passed away December 9th, 2002. I remember exactly what I was doing that day. I remember exactly what happened when I heard the news. I cannot tell you what I had for lunch today, but I can tell you every moment of the evening she died. Even now, I get the drop in my stomach when I think of it. I can't help it. Every year I allow myself to "would have, should have, could have" about that night. I allow it only for a short period because if I stay there too long, I run the risk of falling down that dark hole of despair and I refuse to go there. I've stayed out for 5 years and have no intention of falling down there now. This year is different though. This year, I'm going to be with my babies and my husband in a place where magic happens. It occured to me that this year, I'll not allow myself to "would have, should have, could have" because I won't have time to hang out in the self pity lounge. I'll finally be able to replace the memories of that dark day with something that's bright and happy. It goes without saying that I'll not forget the day I lost my Mom but I'll finally be able to smile on that day. Finally.
For that, I am thankful.
My Mom passed away December 9th, 2002. I remember exactly what I was doing that day. I remember exactly what happened when I heard the news. I cannot tell you what I had for lunch today, but I can tell you every moment of the evening she died. Even now, I get the drop in my stomach when I think of it. I can't help it. Every year I allow myself to "would have, should have, could have" about that night. I allow it only for a short period because if I stay there too long, I run the risk of falling down that dark hole of despair and I refuse to go there. I've stayed out for 5 years and have no intention of falling down there now. This year is different though. This year, I'm going to be with my babies and my husband in a place where magic happens. It occured to me that this year, I'll not allow myself to "would have, should have, could have" because I won't have time to hang out in the self pity lounge. I'll finally be able to replace the memories of that dark day with something that's bright and happy. It goes without saying that I'll not forget the day I lost my Mom but I'll finally be able to smile on that day. Finally.
For that, I am thankful.
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