The facts are true. The names have been omitted to protect the stupid ass people I deal with in a daily basis.
Patient (Pt): Thirtysome year old female. Comes in with "severe" abdominal pain.
Doc: So what seems to be the problem tonite?
Pt: I have severe pain right here (points to lower abdomin)
Doc: When did this pain start?
Pt: Shortly after I was finished masterbating with a cucumber. Do you think the cucumber could have damaged something in there?
Doc: (crickts chirping).......Um...let's get a cat scan done. We're going to also need a urine sample.
Pt: I don't have to pee.
Doc: It's important that we get this sample, the nurse will put a catheter in you briefly to get some urine.
Nurse: Ok, this won't take long. Let's get you situated here.
Pt: Does that go in my clitoris?
Nurse: Wha?
Pt: Does that catheter thingy go in my clitoris?
Nurse: Uh, no.
Pt: Good cuz that would hurt! Plus it might mess up feeling if you know what I mean.
Nurse: (crickets chirping)....Are you SURE you don't have to pee? Let's give you this cup and send you to the bathroom down the hall....let's give that a try shall we?
****Meanwhile, back at the ranch****
Doc: ....So, I looked at your results....
Pt: The tech said I was full of fetuses
Doc: What? FETUSES?
Pt: Yah you know....POOP!
Doc: You mean FECES.
Pt: Yah, that.
Doc: .....Ok, um, you have a urinary tract infection. So in addition to the antibiotics I'll prescribe for you, you need to make sure that you wipe front to back....
Pt: Wait right there. You need to be telling my husband about this because he's the one who goes from the back door to the front door on me.......
You realize that I couldn't make this shit up right?
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5 comments:
I seriously don't know how you do it.
Seriously???? Seriously???? Ewww. I feel like I am losing brain cells just reading that. Sounds classy!
OH she was a piece of work to be sure!
Thank you for making the people I deal with appear a whole lot smarter!
GTFO!! An adventure every day,eh?
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