Finally....a diet that works!

Weight Watchers, Adkins, Jenny Craig, Hydroxycut be damned. I've finally found something that will make me drop weight faster than you can figure out the point value on Little Debbie Zebra Cakes.

Here's what you do:

1. Wake up at 6:30 am with abdominal pains that make you swear your giving birth. Realize that you need to get to the bathroom STAT before your non-period panties become period panties.
2. Stand up only to collapse on the floor as the labor pains have now shape- shifted to what can only be described as an ice pick being rammed in your lower back...repeatedly.
3. Crawl to bathroom.
4. Rejoice when you find that the panties have been saved. Wonder how you'll be able to stand upright to pull said panties up not to mention wash your hands.
5. Grunting as if you were entering transition, hoist your fat ass into an upright position. Turn 90 degrees so you are facing the over the toilet cabinet.
6. Retrieve vicodin that you have from the last time you gave birth from the far corner in the cabinet where you hide it in case any relative or friend decided to raid your stash at the next kiddie birthday party.
7. Pop pill in mouth, washing it down with a palmful of water from sink.
8. Wonder how you'll get back into that upright position.
9. Gingerly creep along the walls from the bedroom to the kitchen where the acid in your morning coffee is sure to assist in the breakdown of that vicodin in your empty belly, thus resulting in a faster labor relief.
10. After 1/2 hour, feel the viky work it's magic. Embrace the warm, fuzzy feeling.
11. Decided to make some scrambled eggs with some shredded cheddar cheese. Warm up two biscuits from yesterday's lunch and devour breakfast. All the while grinning from ear to ear because you feel so-damn-pain-free.
12. An hour later notice how you are so freakin' tired you could sleep for a week. Wonder if you're coming down off the viky already.
13. Notice that you can't form rational thoughts or coherent sentences. Somewhere in the back of your lint covered mind you realize that this could be an issue as Flying Monkey Uno needs to go to the bus stop and Part Duex to preschool. This requires you to operate an automobile.
14. Uh-oh.
15. Wake The Beast, otherwise known as DH.
16. Prepare for the worst. Forget what you're preparing for because your head feels like it's a merry-go-round.
17. Start to cry that you don't feel good and you now know that Drugs are Bad Mmmmkay?
18. Note that The Beast is pretty pissed off because you've collapsed on the couch without feeding the kids breakfast or making lunches after they've been up for an hour and the bus comes in 5 minutes.
19. Start crying again. Mention menstruation being a curse between nose blowing.
20. Nod off as DH fights with Part Duex to brush his teeth.
21. Wake 2 hours later feeling as if you ate couch stuffing.
22. Call DH to see if he'll bring you a Tim Horton's coffee after he picks Part Duex up from preschool.
23. Note the sarcasm in his voice as he suggests a raw steak to replace the iron that your losing due to your "curse".
24. Begin to tell him to "piss off" but realize that he's the key to that Tim Horton's coffee. Say "I love you" instead. Even in your high-on state, you're not stupid...you NEED that coffee.
25. Look at the clock and realize that it's 8:00 pm and you haven't eaten since 9am.
26. Note that you aren't hungry. You feel like shit, you're tired, greasy haired, un-showered, pissy but not hungry.
27. Go to bed wondering how you can make 5 vikodin last 1 month in order to drop 50 lbs.