Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda....

It's that time of year again.

Almost another year gone by since I lost my Mom. I allow myself the pity party table of one, just once a year, near the anniversary of her death. This is the time that I wonder how my life would be different had she never died. The time of year that I beat myself up and down for not recognizing that she did in fact have congestive heart failure and that mistake ultimately lead to her death. Once a year I cry for what I've lost, what I should have done, what could be. I miss her so much, sometimes it still hurts like it was just yesterday. There is so much I want to share with her. The Flying Monkey's, my joy's in life, my sadness, my achievements, my failures.

I wonder where I'd be right now if she were still alive. We bought her house after her death so would we still be in our old house? Would we be in my dream home which this one is surely not. What would the holidays be like with her here? What kind of person would I be?

I know that I wouldn't be who I am now.

I'm a different person after her death. I don't think it's bad, but different. I did discover strength that I never knew I possessed after she died but honestly, that and $1.60 will get ya a coffee at Tim Horton's. Would my brothers and I be closer had she not died or are we closer because we're all each other has now?

My heart is heavy. I want to hear her voice once more. I want to tell her just how much I admired her and how I pray that I can be 1/2 the woman she was. I want to hold her, smell her perfume ON her vs. in the bottle on my dresser. I want to cry with her, laugh with her, BE with her.

I miss you Mom. More than ever. I still think about you every day. I pray that you look out for me and the Monkey's.

I love you. Always.