For me? Really? You shouldn't have...you REALLY shouldn't have.

Welcome home Michelle!

We know you've worked 12 hours today and been on your feet for about 10 of those 12 hours, so we'd like to present you with the following. We hope this meets with your satisfaction.

Pull up to the house and notice that the trash and recyclables are not put out at the curb for garbage day tomorrow EARLY morning. Enter the front door and notice that every light is on in the house, even though there isn't anyone in the rooms where the lights are on. Come on in the kitchen where the sink is FULL of dirty dishes, the dishwasher is FULL of clean dishes (hence the sink full of dirty ones), and the table that you worked so hard at cleaning up and getting rid of the piles of shit from is now covered in more shit and piles (yah, we thought you'd like that :0) ) The trash is overflowing and the family room that was so spotless when you left this morning is covered with toys. So much so that you cannot see the carpet. Please also notice that Beastie #2 is sucking down a FULL glass of water from Grandma pretty much ensuring that he'll piss the bed by morning. Step into your bedroom where it smells like a pack of dirty dogs. Since you have no dogs, it must be your husband that smells so damn bad. Walk into your master bath and make note of the toilet that hasn't been flushed despite someone having used said toilet, the shower mat wet on the floor instead of drying over the shower rod and dirty underwear behind the door. Come back to the kitchen and open the fridge to find....................























the untouched container of Oreo balls you made last night.
U-N-T-O-U-C-H-E-D.

Note the time is now Flying monkey bedtime.

The Oreo balls still there. Waiting for you. Only you. After your hard day. They waited.

WTH?

This may or may not be a popular post but I don't care, it's my blog and I'll tangent via soapbox if I want to!

I was just on a message board for parents and one poster posted some links if anyone was interested in helping the Texans that were affected by hurricane Ike. There is still widespread power outages and thousands are still not only displaced by the hurricane, but have nothing to go back to. Anyway, as people were responding to the original women's post, someone chimed in that the Dominican Republic and Haiti have been hit and people should donate to them too.
(climbing in soapbox) Things like this piss me off. I KNOW there are poor people in those 3rd world countries. I've seen the pictures on the National Geographic channel and watched the stories of poverty on cable. My cold heart isn't immune to the suffering by children there. HOWEVER...I take care of my own 1st. Just because we are a rich nation compared to the 3rd world countries doesn't mean we still don't have poor and devastation here due to the hurricanes AND those living in poverty and filth IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! There are places in Louisiana that haven't even recovered from Katrina and were just hit AGAIN by Ike! These people had little to begin with and now......
Screw everybody else. Adjust your priorities and help your neighbor before you go helping the world. I don't care how callus that sounds. Let's fix OUR problems then maybe, just maybe we'll be in a position to help those across the world.

Here are some links to help those in Texas:

American Red Cross - Houston http://www.houstonredcross.org
Houston Food Bank http://www.houstonfoodbank.org
Capital Area Food Bank Austin - providing food, diapers, formula to evacuees http://www.austinfoodbank.org

No No No No NO!

Ugh, it's that time of year again. The PTA is in full swing and here come the requests for help/volunteering. I have 2 different PTA's to divide my time between because the Beastie Boys are in two different schools. So....what's a girl to do?

Don't get me wrong, I DO like to help. I KNOW the PTA gives a lot to the school and the children. I dutifully take the Little Caesars Pizza Kit form to work, peddle the shitty overpriced wrapping paper around and send in checks for the Fund Run. So why do I feel guilty??? It's the damn emails from the PTA president or chairperson literally BEGGING for help with something for without the help, the event may not be able to go on and the kids will suffer long term mental anguish and the PTA of past years will shake their finger and heads at us for screwing up what they've spent so many years doing.

Sigh....it's so much pressure.

This morning I received an email for the newsletter chairperson. She needs volunteers to help with the newsletter creation, article writing and distribution. Now I'm sure some of you are saying, "Hey stupid! Writing newsletter articles is right up your alley!" and normally I would agree BUT me writing articles for a preschool newsletter is like Kathy Griffin coming to entertain kids at the Fall Fun Week. My sense of humor, although deliciously funny, is not always appreciated by the "stick up the ass" society which I find in large numbers in that school.

I probably WILL volunteer for something....as much as I don't want to. Guilt is a powerful motivator...ask any Catholic.

Shhhhh...it's our secret

I've had a shitty (literally) week thanks to Beastie #2 pooping in his pants and hiding and Husband Beast pretending to die from sinus congestion (yes, I'm serious) on the couch. Both of which happened simultaniously. No one should come home from working out and retail therapy to shitty underpants and shitty attitude. Anywho......where was I? Oh yes, justifying my new baby. Here she is (the tan one)



Cute isn't she? I love Marshalls. LOVE.THEM.

Oh....mah....Gawd

http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2008/09/craigslist-ad-of-day-hot-tub.html

Craigslist: hot tub group release
(berkeley)
Date: 2005-12-08, 10:51PM PST

Let's keep this simple. I have a hot tub on Euclid. I am having a group release party on December 28th. Everybody is welcome (last time was all men which was fun but I would really like to get some women this time). Here's how it works: Five people get into my 400 gallon redwood hot tub. The temperature is a challenging 125 degrees. After a few minutes, everybody "evacuates" (voids their bowels in the tub). We see what floats to the surface. This "letting go" stage is followed by a "coming together" stage in which each person helps the person to their left reach satisfaction (handsex). Simple and wonderful. Some ground rules:

1) No footwear of any kind in the tub! Leave your flip flops on the deck!
2) Do not go into the house.
3) Scents are okay but please, NO GREASY HAIR PRODUCTS.
4) Please refrain from smoking.
5) Once everybody is in the tub, its silent time. No talking until everybody is out.
6) If you do not like what is "going down" (or coming up) step out of the tub. You do not need to make it everybody else's problem.
7) Please commit before showing up. Don't come out to the backyard, check out the "scene" and then decide to leave. This disrupts the experience for everybody.
8) Please no laughing or frivolity. Its not that it has to be "dead serious" but we don't want it to turn into a joke. For many people a group release party is a vulnerable psychosexual experience and your laughter can be shaming.
9) PLEASE NO LOUD TALKING AFTER THE SESSION. MY NEIGHBORS HAVE COMPLAINED SEVERAL TIMES AND HAVE THREATENED TO CALL THE POLICE.
10) If you are over two hundred pounds it is fine, but please let me know in advance.
11) PLEASE NO DIABETICS, PREGNANT WOMEN OR PEOPLE WITH HEALTH CONDITIONS WHICH MAY BE AFFECTED BY A LONG AND UNUSUALLY HIGH TEMPERATURE HOT TUB SITUATION.
12) NO DRUGS OF ANY KIND!!!!
13) Please make sure that you have eaten well and NOT EXCRETED FOR AT LEAST TWELVE HOURS before coming.
14) No food in the hot tub or on the deck. If you must eat, finish your food in your car.
15) You can park directly out front or along the street. PLEASE DO NOT PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY. If parking is limited park on POPLAR st.
16) Do not turn on the airration jets under any circumstances. This makes the party impossible to clean up afterwards and also disrupts the atmosphere in the tub.
17) Please show up on time for the session. The orientation period is extremely important and helps to insure that the party will be a success for all participants.
18) NO CAMERAS OF ANY KIND INCLUDING CAMERA PHONES. For many, the session is a "discreet" experience and respect for individual privacy concerns is of utmost importance.
19) If you have a health concern which you believe may be transmittable through personal waste material please wait for at least two weeks after the matter has cleared up before attending a session.
20) You are welcome to bring a friend PROVIDED I KNOW IN ADVANCE. Please do not show up with an extra participant.

Thank you for your interest and contact me if you wish to participate.


There are some sick, sick people in this world. I use to think I worked with them all but I see now that I'm wrong, so very wrong.

ahhhh...the memories

Those who know me know that I have an addiction to 3 major things.
1. Designer purses
2. Tim Horton's coffee
3. Perfume/cologne

What I LOVE about fragrance is that I can associate memories with the scents. For instance, when I was pregnant with my oldest beastie, I wore Bath and Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar body spray daily. If I wear/smell that now (only the body spray, it doesn't work with the lotion) I immediately flash back to that time (specifically sitting at the information booth and Laurel Park Mall where I worked part time at Christmas while pregnant) and it's such a cool feeling. Another example is when we went to Disney last December, I wore Pink Sugar the whole time. When I put that on now, I flash back to those memories. When I smell White Shoulders, I think of my mom getting ready for work because that's the ONLY scent she wore and she'd spray it on just before getting dressed. So in essence, the memory that flashes is her in her bra and suit skirt getting ready in her bathroom.
She'd be soooo thrilled at that memory.

Brilliant

Absolutely brilliant. This site rents college textbooks. You order 'em up, use 'em, highlight them if needed, then send 'em back at the end of the sememster. DH's $85 crappy text in Public Administration will cost $31 to rent.

Brilliant.

Eat for your boobies!

Lean Cusine has these ADORABLE lunch bags on sale! The best part is $5 of the $10 purchase price goes to breast cancer research. Supplies are limited so place your order now!

Bawhahahahaha part deux

Co-worker:

"I remember one time I had like 20 full grown marijuana plants growing in the back yard and one day when I looked out the window, they were gone! I ran outside and someone had uprooted all my plants! On the ground was a cigarette cellophane with some pot seeds in it. There was a note that said,
"Thanks Chump, see you next season!"

I couldn't make this shit up..seriously.

Bawahahahahaha

What do you think the lunch lady would say if my kid busted this out at lunch?

Banana Bunker

Pssst...if my husband is reading this, I like the blue one