Finally....a diet that works!

Weight Watchers, Adkins, Jenny Craig, Hydroxycut be damned. I've finally found something that will make me drop weight faster than you can figure out the point value on Little Debbie Zebra Cakes.

Here's what you do:

1. Wake up at 6:30 am with abdominal pains that make you swear your giving birth. Realize that you need to get to the bathroom STAT before your non-period panties become period panties.
2. Stand up only to collapse on the floor as the labor pains have now shape- shifted to what can only be described as an ice pick being rammed in your lower back...repeatedly.
3. Crawl to bathroom.
4. Rejoice when you find that the panties have been saved. Wonder how you'll be able to stand upright to pull said panties up not to mention wash your hands.
5. Grunting as if you were entering transition, hoist your fat ass into an upright position. Turn 90 degrees so you are facing the over the toilet cabinet.
6. Retrieve vicodin that you have from the last time you gave birth from the far corner in the cabinet where you hide it in case any relative or friend decided to raid your stash at the next kiddie birthday party.
7. Pop pill in mouth, washing it down with a palmful of water from sink.
8. Wonder how you'll get back into that upright position.
9. Gingerly creep along the walls from the bedroom to the kitchen where the acid in your morning coffee is sure to assist in the breakdown of that vicodin in your empty belly, thus resulting in a faster labor relief.
10. After 1/2 hour, feel the viky work it's magic. Embrace the warm, fuzzy feeling.
11. Decided to make some scrambled eggs with some shredded cheddar cheese. Warm up two biscuits from yesterday's lunch and devour breakfast. All the while grinning from ear to ear because you feel so-damn-pain-free.
12. An hour later notice how you are so freakin' tired you could sleep for a week. Wonder if you're coming down off the viky already.
13. Notice that you can't form rational thoughts or coherent sentences. Somewhere in the back of your lint covered mind you realize that this could be an issue as Flying Monkey Uno needs to go to the bus stop and Part Duex to preschool. This requires you to operate an automobile.
14. Uh-oh.
15. Wake The Beast, otherwise known as DH.
16. Prepare for the worst. Forget what you're preparing for because your head feels like it's a merry-go-round.
17. Start to cry that you don't feel good and you now know that Drugs are Bad Mmmmkay?
18. Note that The Beast is pretty pissed off because you've collapsed on the couch without feeding the kids breakfast or making lunches after they've been up for an hour and the bus comes in 5 minutes.
19. Start crying again. Mention menstruation being a curse between nose blowing.
20. Nod off as DH fights with Part Duex to brush his teeth.
21. Wake 2 hours later feeling as if you ate couch stuffing.
22. Call DH to see if he'll bring you a Tim Horton's coffee after he picks Part Duex up from preschool.
23. Note the sarcasm in his voice as he suggests a raw steak to replace the iron that your losing due to your "curse".
24. Begin to tell him to "piss off" but realize that he's the key to that Tim Horton's coffee. Say "I love you" instead. Even in your high-on state, you're not stupid...you NEED that coffee.
25. Look at the clock and realize that it's 8:00 pm and you haven't eaten since 9am.
26. Note that you aren't hungry. You feel like shit, you're tired, greasy haired, un-showered, pissy but not hungry.
27. Go to bed wondering how you can make 5 vikodin last 1 month in order to drop 50 lbs.

Gah.

Because of this blog, I now hate my house/kitchen more than ever.

Pity Party...table for one!

Maybe it's the midnight gig. Maybe it's the fact that I'm PMSing. Maybe it's the fact that our effing appraisal came in $27,000 below what we paid for this effing house thus negating our refi that we were in the middle of. Maybe it's the reality check that we've now joined the upside down mortgage club that I had no desire to join. Maybe it's the fact that this house looks like a disaster inside and out. Maybe it's the diet, er I mean lifestyle change I've started...again. Maybe it's because I'm really missing my Mom right now. Maybe it's because I'm tired of being the Go-To person who feels responsible for doing everything. Maybe it's because I feel like a shitty Mom. Maybe it's the realization that my state is circling the drain and I'm scared. Maybe it's one of these things, maybe it's all of them but I'm depressed.

Why is it that when I say I'm depressed in front of my husband, he thinks I'm gonna off my life or my kids? Seriously. Can't someone be fucking depressed and not be a danger to themselves or their kids? Good God. We actually got into an discussion (oh who am I kidding, it was a fight) about ME mentioning that I'm depressed today and him making comments like he's gotta work 8 hours tonight so..........
So.....? So....? WTF does that mean? So......don't kill yourself or my kids? Seriously?
He says "what am I supposed to think when you say your depressed like 3 times?"
I say, "Maybe come give me a friggen hug or something?" "Trust me when I say that I'd never hurt the kids (I can't believe I even said that much less typed it. It doesn't even deserve the keystrokes is so ludicrous) or myself. I'd LEAVE. That's how I'd solve my depression. I'd leave."

Ugh. Can you imagine what it'd be like if I WASN'T on meds?

Good Grief.

Off to finish my meal at the pity party table for one. Be back soon.

hello luva

I missed you blog. There have been so many times I've mentally noted that "I need to blog this" but just couldn't find the time to sit down and spend some time with you. I'm needing some blog time, I'm craving it.
I'm back.
I always come back.

Quandary

So I've been bitten by the spring fever bug. I need to get rid of so much shit it isn't even funny. Most of the stuff is in GREAT shape and was just a victim of my redecorating bug that flew up my ass last year. The problem I have is this:

I honestly don't want the hassle of Craigslist. I know I could make some cash from stuff I have but it's such a pain in the ass to deal with the dumb people who make arrangements then never show, etc. On the other hand, dropping it off at Salvation Army and getting the tax write off for next year is a good idea, but the thought of someone getting my good shit and re-selling it on Craigslist for a profit pisses me off. LMAO! I know I have issues but that seriously pisses me off. My BFF wants to have a garage sale this spring but shit, that's so much work.

See my quandary?

Where is it coming from?!?!

My DH's boss had his baby a couple months early so I was out today picking up some preemie outfits for them. I came home and was putting everything together when I kept smelling something that smelled like Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo. I thought, hmmm....I wonder if these baby clothes smell like shampoo so I smelled them. Nope, not them. So I go about my business.

I still smell that smell. It's driving me mad. It's not a bad smell but I don't have any babies around here so why the hell am I smelling THAT SMELL!!! I start sniffing everything. DH thinks I've gone mad but my OCD is kicking in and I just can't rest until I figure this out.

The Flying Monkeys want to eat dinner. I go wash my hands to fix their food. I open the fridge and get....wait....the smell...it's STRONG, it's coming from me....my hands...from my hands. WTH? I look at the soap in the kitchen. It's from Bath and Body Works. The aromatherapy soap. Lavender Vanilla "sleep" hand soap. I smell it. I'll be damned. Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo. There it is. I spent $6 on soap when I could have spend $3 on baby shampoo for the same result.
I called DH at work to let him know. He thinks I'm a lunatic.

He's probably right.

Seriously?

I have a crap email addy that I use to sign up for free stuff, contests, etc. I was trying to sign in this a.m and the p/w wouldn't work. So I clicked the "forgot p/w" button. I then get a message from hotmail that says "your password has been sent to your email".

What the fuck.

They send the password that I forgot to the email address that I cannot access because I forgot the password. Does anyone else see any problem with this?

Cheese and Rice.

There isn't enough Lexapro to touch this

I'm pissed at my H. I'm sick of him not telling me shit unless I notice something or guess at something.

Back story:

His mom got pissed at us (read: me) in November and stopped talking to us for like 2 months and stopped watching the Flying Monkeys when I worked (for which we PAID her btw). She started talking to us (read: H) again when she needed shit (here's my shocked look) now everything he goes over there to do is a big god damn secret. I said my piece to him about the situation with her one day when I just couldn't hold it in anymore (read: kinda went off about her but this has been 12 years coming) so I suppose it should be no surprise that he isn't forthcoming about things that involve her.

Now his Hot Mess of a brother is back living with his mom and all of a sudden, she's calling multiple times a week to either bitch about the Hot Mess (who's like 47 years old and an alcoholic/drug addict who's stolen shit from her in the past and pawed it to get alcohol and crack) or ask my H for something. I HATE how she can treat my H like SHIT one second then has the audacity to call the next second and ask for something. Fuck, that pisses me off. I can't tell you how much. Now my H is going out there today after he picks up Part duex to take the Hot Mess to a city to pay some outstanding tickets the Hot Mess has out there which have resulted in warrants for his arrest. Now my kid is gonna be holed up in a house where there's more smoke than a forest fire, come home smelling like a fucking ashtray and probably have another 10 years shaved off his life for the 2nd hand carcinogens he'll be privy too and I'm supposed to be OK with this? H wasn't even gonna mention that he was going out there for this bullshit but I noticed that he was getting ready to go somewhere and asked him where he was going and he had no choice but to reluctantly tell me. He pulled the "you have to sleep so I didn't think to mention it to you" bullshit excuse (I work midnights tonight) that he likes to use so often.

I know it's because it involves his mom. I know it's probably my own fault because I went off about her that one night to him. It's still bullshit. It's not MY fault she's like she is. It's not MY fault I'm sick and tired of him being treated like a fucking door mat. It's not MY fault I'm just sick and damn tired of dealing with the drama.

It's shit like this that makes me cry that my Mom is gone. I miss her so much at times like these. I want to scream at my MIL to fucking APPRECIATE HER SON AND GRANDKIDS while she still can. I want to SCREAM at her to stop acting like the whole fucking world revolves around HER and her selfish issues. I'm sad for my H because he had such a fucked up childhood.

The funny thing is, my dad physically abused me and my brothers all our childhood and I actually think my H had it worse than I did.

Sad isn't it?

Best.Site.Ever

Thanks to Bitchilla the Hun for bringing my new FAVORITE site to my attention. I haven't laughed this hard since my last work evaluation.
Here's why:

Today, I arrived at my parents house for dinner. When I got there, I noticed that they had gay pride flags hanging from the porch, and gay rights bumper stickers plastered to their cars. There was also a huge "We accept you, Nick" banner hanging from the garage. I'M NOT GAY! FML

Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She proceeded to tell me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML

Today, I had a job interview at a restauraunt opening up. One manager hypothetically asked me why I should be hired. I said I was more efficient than most. I left to find I'd locked my keys in the car. It took all the managers to help me get my keys out. FML

Today, I went to the Doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up!". FML


Love it!

Feed Me Friday

Pulled BBQ Chicken Sandwiches

1 tablespoon canola oil
1 large onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 (14-ounce) can low-sodium tomato sauce
1/4 cup tomato paste
1/2 cup water
1/3 cup apple cider vinegar
5 tablespoons molasses
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon liquid smoke
1 whole rotisserie chicken, skin removed, meat shredded into thin strips (about 4 to 4 1/2 cups)
6 whole-wheat hamburger rolls
6 large green lettuce leaves

Directions

Heat the oil in a large saute pan over a medium heat. Add the onions and cook until they are soft and translucent, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and cook for 1 minute more. Add tomato sauce, tomato paste, water, vinegar, molasses, pepper and liquid smoke and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer for 15 minutes. Add chopped chicken, return to a simmer, and cook an additional 10 minutes.
Split rolls. Place a leaf of lettuce on each roll, then pile on 3/4 cup of the chicken mixture onto the roll.

Per Serving:
Calories 440; Total Fat 12 g; (Sat Fat 2.5 g, Mono Fat 5 g, Poly Fat 3.5 g) ; Protein 36 g; Carb 47 g; Fiber 5 g; Cholesterol 95 mg; Sodium 400 mg
Excellent source of: Protein, Fiber, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Vitamin C, Copper, Iron, Magnesium, Manganese, Phosphorus, Potassium, Selenium, Zinc
Good source of: Vitamin A, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Vitamin K, Pantothenic Acid, Calcium