The obligatory resolutions

Ahhhh New Years Eve. Another year gone and a fresh new start just over the horizon. Every year, like thousands of others, I make resolutions that I break sometimes only 48 hours later. I feel like I have a obligation to make them. I didn't make any last year, but this year, this year is a big year for me. I turn 40 this year. I've decided to take a hard look at everything in my life, re-evaluate things and prioritize for the new year. I'm actually looking forward to this daunting task. I'm excited to think that this reflection may take me in a whole new direction. Maybe some great uncharted territory that will finally answer some questions that I've had for a couple of years now. I've already decided that right now is not the time for me to be pursuing a nursing degree. I've pondered this for a while now and I'm at peace with my decision. Maybe things will be different in the future but for the here and now, I have some other issues that need my focus and attention. My husband asked me, "Will you pursue management in your field then?" I said that I was happy in my profession and that any changes, goals and growth will occur in my personal life, not professional.

Here is one resolution that I intend to focus on 1st: I WILL find a church that fits the needs of my family and start regularly attending.

One down, many to go!

Happy New Year!

What about what I want?

Last wishes. Is there anything more important that this? Really. You can't take anything in life with you when you go so all you really have in life are your last wishes. I can't tell you how much emphasis I put on those. I feel that it's one of the most honorable things you can do for a person, carrying out their last wish, albiet it reasonable of course.

So I'm at work the other night. A patient comes in via ambulance after falling. The patient is older and the fall caused injury and a bleed in the patients brain. The patient was alert and orientated to person, place and thing and holding a conversation with the staff and family who was also present. The patient also had very bad lung disease, but that wasn't the reason for the ER visit. It came up that the patient told the nurse, "I do not want one of those tubes put down my throat and be on a machine if something should happen." The nurse, "Ok". The patient, "I'm telling you, I DO NOT WANT A BREATHING TUBE." The nurse, "I understand." Not 1/2 hr. later the patient becomes unresponsive. The family is present and tells the Dr. to put the breathing tube in because the patient couldn't protect their own airway. The Dr. says, "Are you sure?" Nurse says, "I just had this conversation with your loved one and they specifically said "NO breathing tube". The family says, "We don't want our loved one to die, put the tube in."

Sigh. We put the tube in.

I understand that NO ONE is ready for a loved one to leave us. I'm not even really convinced that this patient was gonna die if we didn't intubate them but their condition did change. Honestly, no one knows better than me about loss. I promised my Mom that I'd not let anyone intubate her and put her on a ventilator and I was there when my Aunt made the decision to remove my Nan from life support and she passed away with all of us holding her hand. I understand pain, I understand that no one is ever ready to let someone they love go but what about what they want? See it's not about us at that moment. It's about them. If they're of sound mind and know what they want, how do you not honor it? It angers me, it really does. You can tell someone something until you're blue in the face, sign all the papers you want spelling out what you want and don't want and all that has to happen is one stinkin' person to yell "wait!" and all your last wishes fly out the window....just like that. It's not right.

So tell your people. Tell them often and find someone who'll stand strong and carry out what you want. It's all about you. Make sure they understand that.

Merry Christmas!

I love Christmas, I always have. What makes it even more special is watching my kids faces when they see their gifts under the tree that Santa brought. I remember getting up sooo early when I was younger and just peeking at the windfall that landed under our tree courtesy of The Big Guy. I remember just being beside myself with excitement at the thought of what might be in those gifts. Now, many years later, I still get excited see everything placed just so and the thought of my kids reaction. I'm also very thankful that we have jobs to buy those gifts and two healthy children to give those gifts to. I'm thankful for so many things this year.

I hope your Christmas is just as beautiful as mine.

Thankful

Why is it the two most remembered dates in someone's life is their birth and their death? There are sooo many more memorable dates in someone's life than their birth and death. So much more to celebrate but those dates get pushed away when death comes around.

My Mom passed away December 9th, 2002. I remember exactly what I was doing that day. I remember exactly what happened when I heard the news. I cannot tell you what I had for lunch today, but I can tell you every moment of the evening she died. Even now, I get the drop in my stomach when I think of it. I can't help it. Every year I allow myself to "would have, should have, could have" about that night. I allow it only for a short period because if I stay there too long, I run the risk of falling down that dark hole of despair and I refuse to go there. I've stayed out for 5 years and have no intention of falling down there now. This year is different though. This year, I'm going to be with my babies and my husband in a place where magic happens. It occured to me that this year, I'll not allow myself to "would have, should have, could have" because I won't have time to hang out in the self pity lounge. I'll finally be able to replace the memories of that dark day with something that's bright and happy. It goes without saying that I'll not forget the day I lost my Mom but I'll finally be able to smile on that day. Finally.

For that, I am thankful.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!

My media center is FINALLY in and being delivered this Saturday!!! Yeah!!!!!! I was worried that it would come in and they'd want to deliver while we were in Florida, but woooooo hooooo it's coming this week! Now...how to fit it in that living room.

It's always something.

The Final Countdown

The McKay's are officially in the final countdown to DISNEY!!!!! WOOOOO WHOOOO!!

We leave in a week and there is still so much to do and so little time to do it. It recently occured to me that I have to get all of our gifts to the kids teachers wrapped and delivered to them before we leave and the same for our family out of state. It'll be too late to do this when we get home. I'm under pressure now because one of the gifts for my brother requires some time sifting through photos and scanning them into the computer. I also don't want to grocery shop for the house because we won't be here to eat it but my fridge is BARE. Good thing my kids don't eat

A and the boys put up the christmas tree and strung the lights on it while I worked this weekend. Is it soooo bad of me not to want to hang any ornaments on it? It looks pretty with the colored lights and I figure that we'll be gone 1/2 the month of December so why bother? All I can think is "all that work to decorate the tree just to be able to enjoy it for like 10 days total before I have to take it down". Maybe I'll go to the dollar store and buy like 4 boxes of cheap bulbs and let the boys knock themselves out decorating the tree. I usually don't let them get too involved with decorating the tree every year as I have some ornaments that I don't want boy paws on, but this may be super fun for them and I can throw the crap ornaments away when it's time to take the tree down. I likey this idea the more I think about it. I didn't put up any other chrismas decorations either.

I shall leave you with this little morsel of Disney magic

I'm a slacker

Here are some pics from halloween:

L after he tried to draw his own 'stache

L's K-class

The boys

We could use a little prayer

So Luke was diagnosed with pneumonia. We had been fighting a fever since Tuesday and his teacher announced at conferences that strep was in his room so I made an appointment with the doctor just to make sure it wasn't an ear infection or strep. She listened to his lungs, noted his cough and had us go to my hospital for an x-ray. We got the news today that he does have pneumonia. She had the foresight to write me a script for an antibiotic for him if the xray did come back positive so at least we're on antibiotics right away. Please say a little prayer that it doesn't spread through the family as we're only 2 1/2 weeks out for our Disney trip! I shudder to think!

Any and all positive vibes and prayers would be so appreciated!

so many things

I'm in a shitty place.

Maybe it's because I don't get SHIT for sleep anymore because of Owen, maybe it's because the anti-depressent I'm on is for shit, maybe it's because I'm just effing stressed about this trip, maybe it's because my house is trashed from having no time to clean because I'm working full time, maybe it's because of school as I'm nearing the end of the semester and my final exam week is the same week that we're going to be in Disney.

Maybe it's one of these things, maybe it's all of these things. I don't care why, I care that I'm in this place and I want the fuck out. You know what else? I miss my mom. It's going to be 5 years that she's been gone and I miss her. I want to touch her again, I want her to see my kids, I want to call her and talk to her, I want to ask her if I never needed sleep as a toddler like this kid I have, I want to spend the holidays with her. I miss her. I miss her so much. 5 years doesn't mean shit, it still feels like yesterday.

I have two sick kids. I think it's ironic that I have two sick kids that I'm on the verge of losing it with and this is what I want to do when I graduate from nursing school, work with pediatrics and neonates. Irony at it's best 'eh?

I think I'm working too much. I enjoy the paychecks though so I keep doing it. Nothing is getting done around here. Honestly, it's ridiculous and it's bringing me down. It's not that A isn't doing anything around here, he does a lot. I just can't seem to catch up though. After working 12 hours and getting home at 745pm, having to bathe two hyper boys and struggle to get them to bed by 830pm, the last thing I feel like doing is homework and cleaning this house. My schedule is so effed next week. I work 5 -12 hour shifts in a 6 day period. Holy shit. Why do I do this to myself? Oh I remember now, I'm going on a trip where the freakin' gas will cost more than the actual trip itself.

Bah.

An open letter to Kinex

Dear Kinex,

I'd like to thank you for sending my kids that free sample of your lego-like toy. They thoroughly enjoyed watching me put together the little helicopter so they could tear it apart 30 seconds later. I'm especially appreciative for that sample because it made me realize that I will NEVER buy your product. Less than 30minutes of being in my house, I stepped on one of the pieces and it's still embedded in my foot. Less than an hour later, we'd already lost 4 of the pieces (excluding the one in my foot). So kudos to your company who allowed me this small window of opportunity to discover a "No Buy Toy" before I actually bought it.

Sincerely,
A satisfied customer