H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!

Go here and LYAO. I'm especially LMFAO over the baby names. Make sure to mouse over the items. That's where the funny is!

Conversations with a 1st grader part 125

Flying Monkey Uno: That car has a McCain/Palin sticker on it.

Me: Yes it does. Do you know who McCain/Palin are?

Flying Monkey Uno: yes, it's the guy who wants to be president and lady who wants to be Mrs. president.

Me: It's actually vice president but you're right. Do you know who Obama/Biden are?

Flying Monkey Uno: Yes, he's the other guy that wants to be president. Joey from the bus says we can't afford Obama to be president. He says that Obama takes babies and throws them in the garbage.



Me: Uh, Obama doesn't throw babies in the garbage. Joey's only repeating what his ignorant parents have said in front of him.

Flying Monkey Uno: What does ignorant mean?

Me: It means "stupid".

Flying Monkey Uno: but we're not supposed to say stupid Mom.

Me: I know Monkey, that's why I said ignorant.

Flying Monkey Uno: Can I say ignorant?

Me: only if it's to Joey.

1-2-3 PURGE!

I got this idea from Ashley and I LOVE it!

The 27-fling boogie!

"Take a garbage bag and walk through your home and throw away 27 items. Do not stop until you have collected all 27 items. Then close the garbage bag and pitch it. DO NOT LOOK IN IT!!! Just do it.

Next, take an empty box and go through your home collecting 27 items to give away. Suze Orman taught me this in her book, The Courage to be Rich. This will change the energy in your home and bring about good feelings. Every time I do this I feel better and my home is becoming decluttered in the process. As soon as you finish filling the box, take it to the car. You are less tempted to rescue the items.Rule of thumb: if you have two of any item and you only need one, get rid of the least desirable."

Thanks Ashley! I shall be putting this to good use this evening!

A big bowl of nasty with a gag me spoon

Oh god I have the grossest job sometimes.

I went into this patients room to give her a breathing treatment and she was FREAKING out about a colonoscopy that she was going to have later that morning. I said not to worry because the prep is waaaaaay worse than the actual procedure and they give you good drugs to make you not care that someone has a reallllly looooong scope up your butt. She proceeds to almost start crying (she's got a psych history) and saying, "what if I don't wake up? What if I stop breathing?" I said you don't have anything to worry about so stop stressing out about it and take your damn treatment so I can get outta this psycho ass room! (Ok so I didn't say that but I wanted to).

Anywho, she proceeds to tell me that she had red jello last night and look what happened.....(you know how things happen in slow motion? Like you KNOW what's gonna happen but you can't react with your body fast enough? Yah, that's what is about to happen to me) she proceeds to grab a washcloth that was on her tray table and open it up to show me some red stained shit. I'm not fucking kidding. Not.fucking.kidding. Then, if that wasn't bad enough, she kept sticking her fingers all over it saying "Look! Look!" and turning it over to where there was more red stained shit. Here's where my body/brain reaction failed me. She then grabbed my arm with the same god damn shitty hand to say, "Do you think that's blood?" I yelled it's "jello stained poo" as I was running, R-U-N-N-I-N-G to the bathroom to scald my arm with the hottest water I could muster up. I then ran to the bleach wipes and scrubbed my entire forearm down. I swear to Bob I almost fucking puked. I've got a pretty strong stomach from working in a hospital so long but O...M....G.

I don't get paid enough. Not nearly enough. Sweet Baby Jesus.

Calling all psychics!

Bob Saget!!! I bought theater tickets for DH's birthday like 2 months ago and I can't remember where I put them. Holy shit, I hope I didn't throw 'em out.

Calling all BabyCenter Bargain Board psychics! Help!

Put a fork in me 'cuz I'm done

Flying Monkey Part Duex is really pushing me to the limit on my anti-depressant usage. Every G.D. thing I tell/ask him is met with resistance. Sometimes outright obstinateness. I'm so G.D. tired of yelling at this kid to do anything. I've asked nicely, I've threatened, I've yelled, I've encouraged him, helped him, blah, blah, blah....I'm fucking done. Seriously. End.of.my.rope.done. As I sat here last night almost in tears from dealing with him all G.D. day and him pushing the limits right up to bedtime, I thought, "He's only 4!! What in the fuck am I gonna do when he's like 10, 14, 17????" This kids whole childhood will be remembered as one filled with his parents yelling at him all. the.time. Who the fuck wants that?

Sigh...I'm not sure what to do. Nothing means anything to this kid. He has no Achilles heel to strike when I need some leverage to get him to do something. I've decided to remove toys from his possession/the house when he refuses to clean up after being asked, but fuck if I'm gonna throw the shit out after spending an arm and a leg on on his fucking toys. Maybe put 'em in the trunk for a month or so. I don't know. We have a naughty corner. He'd sit there all day if he had to. He doesn't care. One time he actually fell asleep there. WTF.

There are times when I look at him and I tear up thinking I love him so much and there are other times where I swear I could drop him off in Nebraska and not look back. I think I'm gonna try giving him like 2 choices when I ask him to do something. Both choices will get the job done but it may make him feel like he's in control when he's not. Something like this: "Monkey, would you like to brush your teeth now or in 5 minutes?" "Would you like to clean up your toys now or in 5 minutes?" You get the picture. We use the term "5 minutes" here all the time. It's the best kept parenting secret out there.

A Quandry

I started working when I was 14 years old. I was the Santa and Easter bunny helper at the local mall. I did this for years. I also worked at a handful of stores in the mall for years as well. What I never did was work fast food.

Maybe the job is really, really, really difficult. Maybe it's really, really, really mentally challenging. Maybe it's really, really, really hard to look at a fucking screen to read what the customers order is. Maybe it's just that you really, really, really need to make sure you know how to read...well. Maybe it's just that you really, really, really need to have good hearing to hear the customers fucking order. Maybe it's just that you really, really, really need to give two fucking shits about your job to get the customers order right.

Maybe it's all of these, maybe it's none of them. Maybe I'll never know why the fast food joint near my house fucks up my order EVERY.FUCKING.TIME. I'd like to say that maybe I'll stop going there but that would be a lie because not matter how pissed off I get, I'm a lazy bitch and convenience wins out about 95% of the time.

Maybe I should concentrate my efforts on praying that these fucktards don't grow up to be surgeons, judges, or financial planners.

I'd be sooo famous....and rich....and snot free.

Remember the American Inventor reality TV show? Yah, too bad it isn't on anymore. I have an invention that would rock the house.



How many of us have had some serious sinus issues so much so that we sat on the couch with a head that weighed 123 lbs. and a Puffs Plus tissue rammed up a nostril trying to stop the flow of snot from running out of your nose and all over your GAP sweatshirt?

I have the solution.

It's called The Snot Sopper-Upper. It's made from a special material that when it comes in contact with something liquid, it SUCKS it up faster than you can say "god bless you!". You take the Snot Sopper-Upper and ram it up one nostril. The material wicks alllllll the snot outta your sinus cavity and Viola! You're totally clear in one nostril! Repeat on other side and you'll be naming your next born after me. It's machine washable and comes in 3 fashion colors.
See me this friday night on QVC.

My newest OBSESSION

and it isn't perfume or designer purses. I've just spend the last 2 hours playing here . Holy cow this is fun. I just might get them printed and actually do a book for each of the Flying Monkeys! I'm doing Halloween themed pages starting with Flying Monkey Uno from his 1st all the way through Flying Monkey part deux last year. How fun it is to walk through memory lane and think what cute ass Flying Monkey's I have! Here is a sample:

Raising the bullshit flag

As if.....